I do want to be clear. I'm not suicidal now. I have never been actively suicidal in the past. Even at my worst points, the closest I came was a passive sort of, "Maybe I wouldn't hate it if I never got out of bed again," never anywhere close to, "Getting out of bed will never again be worth it so I'm going to fix things so I don't have to."
But... I don't know why I should be so lucky. I do have amazing friends, a loving family, a full, busy life. But so do many other people, and that doesn't save them from that particular death. Self-awareness is absolutely my thing, and I've been an explorer inside my own mind, and it's not just all clover living in here. Just this week I've absolutely been prey to nearly overwhelming emotions that have absolutely no external cause. There has been no recent trigger to set them off. No unusual stress. No loss.
And yet I've sat at my office desk nearly swamped by a feeling of restless anxiety. Unable to move, yet cringing at the intolerability of sitting still. Breath shallow, heart pittering like a frantic rabbit, and a desperate urge to just not BE THERE. To be ANYWHERE ELSE. No matter what my brain tries to tell my body, even knowing the fact that nowhere else will actually be better, none of it helps. For no reason.
I've escaped to the ladies room, sat in the stall, and wept. I've literally bit back sobs when someone else comes in. I've felt desperately hopeless, completely alone, and it feels like that pain will never stop, no matter how I try to tell myself it will. I can't even pray for an improvement to my life to make me happier, because my life is really pretty wonderful. None of it helps. For no reason.
This is why I take medication. Specifically, I'm on fluoxetine, also known under the brand name Prozac. Because the cringing, the panic, the weeping, they aren't me. I'm not a frightened or even a timid person. I'm not a negative, willfully mopey person. I know who I am, and I know where I stand, and nothing about my situation right now causes me unhappiness or fear.
And yet...
Even now, when I'm thrilled every day to be the friend of wonderful people, highly accomplished and well appreciated at my job, and the brand new aunt to a brand new niece, even now I can wake up, get ready for work, go into the office on a perfectly normal day...
...and find myself in a hell of no one's making.
Because something in the chemistry of my body got jacked up along the way. Maybe at some point I'll find some way to permanently readjust it back to natural balance. But right now, it's out of whack, and medication brings things back around to normal life. For me. For which I'm lucky. Really, unbelievably, incredibly lucky.
Because we're all different. Not everyone finds the right medication as quickly as I did. Not everyone has as few external stressors as I do. Some people start from a position of doubt about their self worth, which is miles away from the position of quasi-arrogance I tend to inhabit.
So if you can't comprehend why anyone would ever take their own life; if you can't imagine life ever getting that bad, and then you stand amazed when someone whose life you might even envy dies from suicide; well, I'm not sure if I can explain it any better. I can only try to share bits of my own life to illustrate. But if you've only ever been sad for reasons, I'm not sure how to convey how different and how much more debilitating it is to be sad for no reason. Especially when people who have never faced it refuse to understand why you can't just fix it.
So be kind as much as you can. Be supportive. Build people up with belief, and don't doubt that they're trying as hard as they can. No one wants to be this way. Accept that your inability to understand might be a combination of a lack of empathy you might work on and a lack of experience no one would wish on you. But it's not a sign of superior strength, sanity, or morality. I'm a strong person. I'm a sane person. I'm a moral person. And some days I cringe at my desk or cry in the restroom for no reason.
I've never really wanted to kill myself. But I don't wonder how people get to that point. I wonder what amazing luck has kept me from it.
